Sup bros. I'm back to tell you about my broventures in Moscow. First thing's first, gotta check the pad.
It's no brocave but it's pretty swank. Fucking cold here, though, bros. I almost bought one of those fuckin' furry hats but it'd ruin my look so fuck that. First thing I gotta do is meet up with some old boozeski named Gregori.
He was being a smart ass so I threatened to introduce his face to the bar. Then he was a total pussy and told me about some weapons shipments and a russian mafia guy on a boat. So I didn't kill him. This time.
I like boats, let's go check that shit out.
So I get on this boat and I gotta deal with a bunch of stupid russian flunkies. But I also found this sick arcade.
Dude, Superwarriors AND City Streets? FUCKIN' SICK, BRO! Unfortunately playing them attracted the attention of the guy I was there to find, so I had to ice him. Sorry, bro.
Then this chick showed up with a bunch of those Splinter Cell guys from G22:
Man, you want to talk about jailbait. Chicks this young should not be allowed to wield firearms, let alone sweet ass texas belt buckles. Anyway all she wanted to do was fight, so I kicked her ass.
Then she tried to pull something on me. The Bro Code forbids me from icing hot women unless I absolutely have to though. Especially if they're like, 15. It's cool, turns out she was pulling out this locket to give me.
Is this like, a promise ring or some shit, bro? I'm not into that twilight bullshit. Anyway, her and her G22 goombas headed out.
Back at the pad, Albatross gave me a call.
Bro is fuckin' uptight, but he says he wants to meet with me. I'm like, whatever bro. I guess if you try to ice me I can ice your whole crew.
So we meet and of course Jailbait Jane is there and she's fronting like she wants round 2, but you know she doesn't want another piece of The Sitch. So me and Al get to business.
He wants to help me out in Moscow, for some reason. I tell him I guess I'm cool with that, but that he should probably treat his jailbait bodyguard better. Then he gets all surly at me and leaves. Whatever. Now I gotta go track down these Halbech weapon shipments.
So I get there and some heavy shit is going down between these russian gangsters and some soldier guys. The solider guys leader is this lady:
HOLY SHIT! COUGAR ALERT! Man, this chick looks good to go but she's gotta be like, 40. But man, look at the size of that gun. Fuck it. She asks me what I'm doing here and I'm like, I'm doing my fucking business. She's into that hardass attitude so she suggests we team up. I'm cool with that, so I go on my merry way.
Aw yeah, infiltrating and shit. I find the weapon shipments, change them so they're all sent TO ME. I get all the guns around here, bitch. Then I say bye to the cougar and I'm outie 5000.
Then I gotta rescue this guy Surkov from the American embassy. Albatross wanted to help but I chose the cougar instead. So Al sends his Splinter Cell goons to fuck the whole thing up. Asshole.
But I found the guy anyway and got him out of there, even though he pulled a gun on me. Asshole. Then he introduces me to his huge ass bodyguard, Championchik.
Which is the worst fucking name for a bodyguard ever. But he's also like, 5 of me, so I'm cool.
So now we've got to find this Russian Mafia boss, Konstantin Brayko. I've heard stories about this guy, and they all involve coke and 80s hair metal. SO I'M STOKED. Got SIE backin' me up again, so we roll in quiet and subtle like.
Nah I'm just fucking with you we rolled in there in a fucking tank. I ripped a bunch of people to shreds and then got inside.
I'm liking this place a lot, bros. They even have GULAG. I didn't even know that shit came out!
So I'm doin' my thing when I find out Brayko's got my cougar friend and he's torturing the shit out of her. Not cool, bro, party foul. So I go after her and cut her loose.
Damn, bitch, you better hope there's no scar if you want anything to do with me. Anyways, I set off after Brayko, who seems like a pretty cool bro aside from the whole trying to kill me thing.
Okay I'm definitely into this guy's style. TURN UP THE RADI-BRO! But, you know, he's still trying to kill me, so I shoot him in the face a bunch of times.
So afterwards we have a chat and it turns out this bro has nothing to do with Halbech, and it was that suit Surkov all along. So I let him live. And as a present, he gives me his sick-ass sound system.
Man, fuck saving the world I'm gonna stay here and do coke til my nose falls off. But then the ice queen gets on me again so off I go to ask Surkov what the fuck his deal is.
Of course, Brayko isn't too stoked that he was brought into this either, so I brought him along. He even dealt with Champion Chips Ahoy!
So he cuts up Surkov and we part ways. He was, in many ways, the best bro.
So I'm ready for my big run against Alpha Protocol. But first, the ice queen has something to tell me. Turns out she's the one who set me up this whole time, and she was using me to take the place down. As if I needed more of a reason to hate this bitch. But it's too late now, so I call my bro Steven and tell him to be ready for the shit. Then I turn myself in to Sean, the prick from the beginning of the game.
He's pretty smug about it, even though I called him. He takes me to this jackass, Henry Leland, CEO of Halbech.
He asks me a bunch of questions about my operations in Rome, Taipei, and Moscow, and then I punch him in the face. He doesn't like that and has his goons take me away. On the way I meet the math teacher.
He says we should join him and I say his lips should join my ass. He leaves, crushed by my sick burn. I'm tied to a table and drugged. Reminds me of the first time I was here. And my frat initiation.
Of course, my buddy Steven totally gets me out of there. I get my gear and quickly regrow my proper brotee.
I try to tell Parker that shit's gone bad, but he doesn't listen. I should have just stolen his mp3s instead.
Then I find out they've captured the ice queen. So, I go after her, because this is my only chance to punch that bitch in the face for lying to me.
And then she gets all indignant on me saying I'm worse than the people we're trying to stop or some shit. Bitch I didn't ask for this, you give me a gun and melons get popped. Now get the fuck out of here.
I meet up with my boy back at the compound.
Then I have to kill Darcy and Parker. It was so easy I didn't even bother taking pictures, those guys fucking suck.
Finally, I make it back to Leland, and he's got this sick rocket launcher.
I, of course, fuck him up.
Then I hit him.
Then I throw him around.
And then I SHOOT HIM IN HIS FUCKING FACE.
Teach you to ask me a bunch of stupid questions, you fucking prick. Then I grab my bro Steven and we head out on this sick boat I found.
Later bitches!
Mike "The Situation" Thorton
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