Alpha Brotocol Day 3: Rome, If You Want To

Bros, I am so wasted right now.  I spent all day in Rome dealing with this catty bitch... but I'll get to that.  The first thing I had to do was break into this CIA listening post.  I had to karate all these guys in suits, it was real Black Ops type shit, bros.  That's why there's no pictures of it.  Also I totally forgot my camera.  Anyways, after that I had the munchies so I stopped by this gelato shop, right?

That shit was gnarly, bros.  Back before I was a spy and shit, I worked at Jack In The Box, and the assistant manager, Chad, if he saw the place looking like this he'd totally chew my ass.  Then I egged his car.  Anyways, I went up to the counter and this dude came out of the back.

He totally looks like this homeless guy who hangs out on the corner by my house.  One time that guy was asking me for some change, and I totally put some natty ice bottlecaps in his cup, and he totally couldn't tell because he was blind!  It was epic.  Anyway, this place is looking nasty, but I'm still super hungry, so I ask the guy for a scoop.  And he totally tries to pull a shotgun on me!  I shot him in the face.  Then I went to Taco Bell.

Oh, I almost forgot.  I was checking out my sweet new pad last night, and check this shit out:

HOT TUB!  EPIC!  I was gonna cruise for some hot Italian floozies but then the ice queen calls and says I gotta find this guy at a party.  But I totally can't GO to the party, because she's a bitch.  So I have to hide out in a tree.  It fucking sucked.

So I brought my rifle, just in case I had to ice some asshole for giving me shit about my hat.  Also to check out the scenery, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN BRO

Man I love it when I can look at a hot bitch's tits and she can't be all like, "I told you, you have to stay 100 feet from me at all times!"  Fuck that bitch anyway.  I totally gave her the clap.

Anyway I finally find the guy, and the ice queen tells me she doesn't know if I should shoot him or not.  Thanks for nothing, Frosty the Ho-Bag.

 So of course, I totally shot him.  Fuck that guy for wasting my time.

So then I infiltrated this warehouse and some Russians showed up like it was the fuckin' Sopranos or some shit.  I killed them all and ran away before the cops showed up.  Then this asshole texts me:

Looks like this math teacher I had back in high school.  Motherfucker called me "learning disabled."  I totally disabled his leg!  It was SICK!  Anyway, he says I've been causing too much trouble in Rome and if I don't leave he was going to start hurting people I care about.  And I'm like, whatever dude, go drink some Ensure before you blow out a kidney.

So I leave and then there's this smokin' hot bitch trying to get a hold of me.  But like all the other women in my life she's a total hose-bag.

She says her name is Madison St. James.  Which sounds familiar, I think that was one of the leading actresses in the cinematic classic Backdoor Sluts 5: Analocalypse.  So Busty St. Clair here is fucking clueless, says her boss the math teacher wants to kill me.  Well no shit.  She's either a dumb cunt or a spy, and I tell her so.  Then she gets all indignant on me about how she just wanted to help, and to shut her up I invited her over.  I thought I might get at least a handie but she just sits on the couch reading Eat, Pray, Love.

But at least Chesty LaRue wasn't completely useless.  She told me where the math teacher lived so I totally went to his house and wrecked shit.

Then the ice queen let me borrow her motorcycle to check out some ruins.

Turns out it was full of terrorists and math teacher thugs, so I blew it to hell.

Looks like somebody's plans just got... ruined.  YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!  Oh man, I had to get back to the pad to tell Tits McGee my sick CSI joke.

Turns out she hates that show.

Then she totally ditches me.  Turns out the math teacher kidnapped her.  Also he's planning to blow up a museum.  So I have to deal with that too.  THANKS, BITCH.  So I fight through the museum for awhile, and then that asshole says I can take the West Wing (loved that show, fuckin' Martin Sheen owns) and save Cunty McWhore, or I can stop the bombs and shoot him in the face.

What the fuck do you think I picked?

So I get there and of course that dickhead is there, with Shitty McNosex in tow.

Then he totally shot her!  It was awesome!  I was all, YEAH, TEACH YOU TO HATE DAVID CARUSO, YOU PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE, SHITTY BOOK READING...

Then I kicked her.  Then me and the math teacher shot at each other for awhile, until I told him he kind of sounded like Pete from Goof Troop.  Then he got all pissy at me and ran away.  What a bitch.  So I guess I'm done in Rome now.  Gonna hit up Taipei tomorrow, get some General Tso.

Later bros,
Mike "The Situation" Thorton.