Man, this place is rank. It's worse than my old apartment I shared with my friend Moldy Pete. We called him that because, well, never mind. Anyway, the ice queen tells me to take a shower. Must be stank from all those reps, bro. So I go in there and turn it on with my clothes on BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I ROLL and:
Oh shit, it's some kind of elevator. The ice queen's gonna be down here and tie a bear trap to my head or some shit. I'm FUCKED.
...holy shit! IT'S THE BROCAVE! All I need now is that british guy from The Italian Job. I already have a Morgan Freeman. Did I get that sick monster truck too?
Oh, it's the ice queen's crotch rocket. I got a crotch rocket for her IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, BRO. Nah but this'll do. So it turns out there's a plan to assassinate Ronald Sung, the president of Taipei, and I gotta stop it, of course. The first thing I gotta do is meet up with this bro Steven Heck. So, WHOOSH.
So I gotta meet this dude at a dry-cleaner's place, and I'm hoping he's not another uptight superdouche like I been dealing with constantly.
Oh man, I like this bro already. Says he's part of some top secret CIA cell that just lets him go apeshit in Taipei. He's glad I came to him first because Taipei is, like, his turf. He's a little crazy, but I feel like we share a common bro-bond. And that can't be broken by a little thing like insanity. Anyways he gives me some info on some sensitive data being held at the Grand Hotel. Says when I hit the place I should look him up. I definitely will, bro.
Now I gotta go meet up with Hong Shirrrrrr, the leader of the White Mountain Oak Triad. Sounds like a band my dad would listen to.
Man, I can tell this dude's not going to be any fun at all. He starts giving me a lot of american cowboy bullshit but I'm not having it. I tell this dude to tell me what he knows and cut the bullshit. But of course, he needs me to go shoot a bunch of people. I'd be pissed if I didn't love shooting people. Turns out some of his men are going to defect, and I've got to discourage them by making them dead. Whatever works, bro.
So while I was there I found out the reason these bros wanted out was because of their ties to Al-Samad, the terrorist cell run by my flying buddy from earlier. He doesn't want that info getting out, so I say if you want me quiet you better cough up the green, bro. He does but I don't think he'll be helping me out anymore. Like I need help from the shopkeeper from Gremlins.
Next up, I gotta go to this warehouse and bug some servers that might have more info on the planned assassination. These Splinter Cell rejects are there and I totally waste a few of 'em, bug the servers, and I'm about to head home and drink a few natties when this bro gives me a call:
Says his name's Albatross, and apparently those were HIS Splinter Cell rejects. And his servers. Apparently he runs ANOTHER super top secret organization called G22. He asks me to deactivate the bugs, and I feel like telling him to fuck off, but I'd rather not be fighting those guys on top of everyone else. So I do. Man, I wish I'd paid attention to that movie Hackers, I might have found a way to bluff him. HACK THE GIBSON, BRO. Anyways, I get back to the Brocave when the hot bitch from the plane calls me.
Which is good, because her press credentials can get me into the Grand Hotel. I ask if she wants a piece of my huge... op. She's down, so I gather her, my bro Steven, and the ice queen and we prep to hit the objective.
Things go pretty smooth, the ice queen gives me directions, Scarlet gets me the pass I need to get past security, and good ol Steven, he kills a bunch of people. I love it when a plan comes together. I like Steven so much I decide to erase his file from the NSB servers. This sets off a big alarm but hell, that's just more people to shoot. I wasted a few cops and Mina got super pissed. But fuck her, am I right? So we get the info we need. Turns out the bad guys are going to exchange information at a subway station.
So I'm chilling out over there, wishing I had a smoke, waiting for shit to go down, when this chinese dracula guy shows up.
His name is Omen Deng. Sounds like "Oh man, dang." which I imagine is what this bro says every time he gets shut down by a chick. SICK BURN, BRO. Anyway he locks me in a maintenance area and I go underground and take out a bunch of his flunkies. I get some help from my boy Steven too.
I love that guy. So eventually I find the guy who has the data I need and chase him down.
Bro's gonna hit us both with a train. I can't have that, so I totally waste him and switch the track just in time for another SWEET MOVIE DIVE
Must be the result of all my... intense training. YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Dude, that never gets old. So, I got the data I came for.
I get it back to Mina, and she says there's files on plans to assassinate the president, and to start massive riots in Taipei. But then the drive starts to delete itself and she can only save one file. Well I'm not trying to drive home in a fucking riot, so I tell her to save the one about the riots. I go to the president and tell him about the riots, and that he should probably wear a bulletproof vest to his speech tomorrow, but I only have proof of the riots so he refuses. Which is fucking stupid, bro. If I was the leader of a country and I was presented with clear evidence that someone's trying to cause shit, why the fuck wouldn't I wear a bulletproof vest? That's fuckin' stupid, bro. If this was a movie everybody's give it six thumbs down. But whatever, not my problem, bro. Oh wait, I guess it is, since I have to try and stop Omen Deng from killing the guy now.
So I head over to the rally and the place is swarming with Chinese Secret Police, so I bust out some fucking Jet Li moves.
Okay that's actually me getting blown up by the explosives on a bridge that I didn't deactivate, but I thought it looked pretty cool.
So I chase Deng to this balcony thing overlooking the rally where President Sung is speaking.
So we fight for awhile and he's using his chinese dracula powers but they're no match for my Bro-Fu. I have the chance to kill him, but my bro-sense is tingling so I don't.
Turns out he thought I was the assassin, and he was trying to stop me. It's like a Three's Company episode, except the president gets shot and killed. By who? We don't fuckin' know. So me and the chinese dracula blow the place.
There's not a lot we can do here now, but at least we stabilized the people. I gotta head off to Moscow now to chase some leads I found there, but first I gotta say bye to my best bro.
He pinned the assassination on his dry-cleaner buddy so the heat would be off me. I love this fucking guy. I hope I see him again. For now it's off to Moscow to ice some zangiefs. Later bros.
Mike "The Situation" Thorton
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